Humor in Uniform : “Tail” wags the “Dog” : Shore Based “Mogul” vs the Man at “Sea”

“SHORE BASED MOGUL” versus “MAN AT SEA”

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I was fortunate that I read the classic military war novel Catch-22 by Joseph Heller before I joined the Navy.

Reading Catch-22 gave me a better understand the curious goings on and peculiar behaviour of some of the idiosyncratic characters I came across in the Navy and it helped me maintain my sanity in the rather atypical Naval Environment.

There were plenty of “Cathcarts” “Dreedles” “Scheisskopfs” “Peckems”“Korns” “Captain Blacks” “Milo Minderbinders” “Doc Daneekas” and “Wintergreens” around me in the Navy – and occasionally – you also noticed a “Yossarian”or a “Dunbar”.

In fact – during my career in the Navy – I saw an analogous caricature of every character of Catch-22 – including some of the female characters.

I am sure you have read Catch-22.

In case you haven’t – do read the book – it will surely bring a smile to your lips.

There are many themes and morals in Catch-22 and one such truism which I found relevant in today’s Navy (and Defence Services) is enunciated in chapter XI:

“…Without realizing how it had come about – the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other…”

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If you are serving in uniform or are a Military Veteran – a “fauji” – I am sure you have observed this funny phenomenon.

Those who are meant to serve you – they turn the tables on you – and soon – they start dominating over you.

Civilian Organizations which were meant to serve the Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force) – these Civilians have actually started dominating over the Uniformed Defence Forces.

If you have served in uniform – you may have experienced how support organisations like the CDA (Defence Accounts), MES, DRDO, DGQA, Civilian Staffed Administrative and Secretarial Services etc – who are meant to serve you – they actually boss over you – and make you run from pillar to post.

Even within the Army – the “Services” push around the “Arms”.

The “non-combatant” Medical Officers (Doctors) are supreme – since they can use the “weapon” of “medical category” to make even the most redoubtable combat officer tremble – and bring his ambitions crashing down.

“Staff Officers” dominate “Line Officers”.

“Defence Civilians” overshadow the uniformed Military Personnel they are supposed to support.

In the Navy – “Shore Based Moguls” boss over the “Man at Sea” slogging it out onboard warships and submarines.

It is not akin to the tail wagging the dog…?

Here is one such story from my Navy Days…

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A Hilarious “Memoir” from My Vizag Navy Days

“SHORE BASED MOGUL” versus “MAN AT SEA”

Spoof By Vikram Karve

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Part 1

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“SHORE BASED MOGUL” versus “MAN AT SEA”

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During my long career in the Navy – I have observed that – at any given point of time – there are two types of appointments for individuals in Naval Uniform:

1. The “man at sea”

2. The “shore based mogul”

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In theory – the “shore based mogul” is supposed to support the “man at sea”.

But – in practice – it is exactly the opposite that happens.

The hapless “man at sea” is hounded and dominated by the “shore based mogul”.

Of course – like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a Naval Officer has to undergo both types of appointments – afloat and ashore.

I have seen many a powerful “shore based mogul” reduced to a powerless “man at sea” – when he went for his sea appointment – and – vice versa.

The exceptions are some lucky individuals who never have to go to sea – like Officers in “landlubber branches” and Lady Naval Officers – who always remain powerful “shore based moguls”.

After slogging at sea – and a few “powerless” appointments ashore – one fine day – I suddenly realized that I had become a “shore based mogul” – when I was transferred to the mighty Naval Dockyard at Vizag (Visakhapatnam) on the Eastern Seaboard.

Actually – my department was a “post office”.

Ships raised various defects which they wanted us to repair – and – like a “post office” does – we stamped the forms.

Our “stamp” indicated how the job was to be done.

Now – let me tell you how my “post office” operated.

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“GOOD COP” and “BAD COP”

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There were many sundry officers and staff in the department doing all sorts of work – but essentially – the whole show was run by two senior foremen – experienced veterans who had spent more than 30 years slogging in various departments of the dockyard.

One was a “good cop” – and the other was a “bad cop”.

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If I wanted a job to be done – I would send it to the “good cop”

The “good cop” would stamp the request accordingly.

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If I did not want a job to be done – I would send the request to the “bad cop”.

The “bad cop” had some interesting stamps in his drawer.

He would then use his ingenuity.

Let me give you a few illustrative examples (purely apocryphal):

He could stamp “SS” – which meant that “Ship’s Staff” is to do the job.

Quite a “Catch 22” case.

If ship’s staff could do the job – then why would they project it to the Dockyard in the first place.
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(Of course – I am sure Navy “insiders” know the answer to that one)

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Or – “Bad Cop” could stamp “SSRR” – which meant “ship’s staff remove and refit”

This was like a “carry in” repair – where the ship’s sailors would remove the item – land it in the dockyard – collect it after repairs – and refit the item back into the ship.

This was okay for smaller items – which we had agreed to do – and were handled by the “good cop”.

But – when “bad cop” used the “SSRR” stamp with a wicked smile on his face – he did so for such items which it was impossible for the ship’s sailors to remove from the ship.

We once had a furious Engineer Officer who had been asked to remove his Main Engine and land it in the dockyard – thanks to the “SSRR” stamp the “bad cop” had stamped on the request.

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“QUOTE AUTHORITY”

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“Bad Cop” had many such interesting stamps – but the “Trump Card” in bad cop’s repertoire was the stamp: “QA”

“QA” meant “Quote Authority”

This “QA” stamp threw the ship’s staff into a tizzy.

No one knew who was this “authority” to be “quoted”.

If a confused ship officer landed up asking as to who was the “authority” to be “quoted” – our “bad cop” would say matter-of-factly:

“Sir – how do I know who is the “authority” to be “quoted”…?

Sir – if I knew who is the “authority” to be “quoted” – why would I ask you…?”

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This system was running fine.

I believe in the cardinal principle of systems management:

If a system is running fine – do not tamper with it.

So – I let the system run – and everyone in the department was happy.

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One evening – I unexpectedly met an old shipmate in the swimming pool.

We had served together on a ship around 12 years ago – when I was doing my first sea appointment – and he was struggling for his sea watchkeeping ticket.

The Captain made him struggle so much – that the moment he got his watchkeeping ticket – he volunteered for Aviation to escape from the Surface Navy forever.

He was enjoying his Flying – when suddenly – the Navy decided to remind him that he was still in white uniform.

And – they appointed him as the Commanding Officer (CO) of a Surface Ship.

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My Naval Aviator Friend was quite disgusted and he remarked to me:

“You know what a tough time I had doing my sea watchkeeping.

I am bloody clueless about sailing this bloody ship – but thankfully – my officers seem to be quite clued up – and I have decided to leave everything to them.

I hope that this sea tenure is over fast – so that I can get back to my flying…”

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I told him about myself – where all I had been transferred since those glorious Mumbai days.

“Hey – why don’t you come over for a glass of beer tomorrow…? I will tell them to make your favourite Asian Fried Rice for lunch…” my Naval Aviator Friend said to me.

“Okay…” I said, “I’ll be on board your ship at 12 noon.”

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Next afternoon – we sat in the Captain’s Cabin sipping chilled Beer.

I observed that his cabin was in bad shape.

He must have noticed that I had noticed – because he complained:

“Look at this shabby cabin – everything seems to be dilapidated – and just imagine – this is supposed to be the Captain’s Cabin…”

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I nodded.

His cabin was indeed in quite a shabby condition.

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“Hey – you are in the mighty Dockyard – can you do something…?” my Friend said to me.

“Sure – I will try my best to do something…” I said.

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When I returned to my office – I called “good cop” – and I mentioned it to him.

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“Good Cop” smiled and said to me:

“Sir – no problem – I will visit the ship – and see what is to be done.

Then – we will get things moving on top priority.

Sir – after all – he is your friend…”

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My friend’s cabin was refurbished on top priority.

Soon – his cabin was the best Captain’s Cabin in his squadron.

He was so happy – that he praised the dockyard effusively – mentioning me in particular – to his seniors in the fleet.

The good words carried – and this earned me words of appreciation from various quarters.

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Now – in the same squadron there was a “hot-shot” CO.

He was commanding another ship in the same squadron as my friend.

This “hot-shot” CO was a haughty pompous type who thought he was “cat’s whiskers”.

When this “hot-shot” CO visited my friend’s cabin – he was so impressed by the decor – that he too wanted his own Captain’s Cabin on his ship to be refurbished.

My friend told him to meet me.

Now – this “hot shot” CO was an officer roughly of my seniority.

But – he thought it below his dignity to come over and meet me.

After all – he was a prima donna “Commanding Officer” – from the crème de la crème “Executive Branch” of the Navy.

This “hot shot” CO thought that it was below his dignity to grovel before a “lowly” Technical Officer like me.

So – he sent an official request asking that his cabin be refurbished.

I promptly forwarded this request to “bad cop”.

“Bad Cop” had a look at the request – he thought for a while – and then stamped it “QA”.

The “cat’s whiskers” “Hot Shot” CO was flabbergasted on seeing the “QA” stamp.

He promptly sent his second-in-command – the Executive Officer (XO) – to find out what “QA” meant.

I sent the XO to “bad cop”.

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The “bad cop” patiently explained to the Ship’s XO:

“Sir – “QA” means “Quote Authority”…”

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The XO asked the “bad cop”:

“What does “authority” mean…?

Who or what is the “authority” to be “quoted”…?”

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In his typical style – our “bad cop” said matter-of-factly to the XO:

“Sir – how do I know who is the “authority” to be “quoted”…?

Sir – if I knew who is the “authority” to be “quoted” – why would I ask you…?

Sir – I am a mere Foreman – you are a Senior Officer – so you must be knowing which “authority” is to be “quoted”…”

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The XO went back to his ship and told the CO what had transpired.

The XO advised the CO to meet me and discuss the matter with me personally.

On hearing this – the “Hot Shot” CO’s ego was ruffled.

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The “Hot Shot” CO thundered at his XO:

“I am a “Commanding Officer”.

I don’t meet “small fry”.

Get me an appointment with the General Manager (GM) of the Dockyard…”

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And so – the “Hot Shot” CO met the GM of the Dockyard.

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Part 2

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“BHAI BANDI” aka CAMARADERIE

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Next morning – the GM called me to his office.

The “hot shot” CO was sitting there.

I sat beside him – and – I looked at my GM across the table.

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Then – I asked my GM:

“Anything for me, Sir…?”

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The GM pointed to the “Hot Shot” CO.

“He says you refused to refurbish his cabin…” the GM said to me.

“Sir – it’s not an operational job. So I asked him to “Quote Authority”…” I said.

The GM looked at the “hot shot” CO and smiled at him.

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Then – the GM said matter-of-factly to the puffed-up CO:

“Okay.

That’s it.

You just “Quote Authority” – and the job will be done.”

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The “hot shot” CO complained vociferously:

“But, Sir – he did the same job on another ship – he refurbished the Captain’s Cabin of Commander XXX – who is the CO of my one of my squadron ships – INS YYY…”

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The GM looked at me and raised his eyebrow.

I said to my GM:

“Sir – that CO is a good friend of mine – he requested me personally – so I did the job on a “bhai-bandi” basis…”

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“I see…” the GM said to me.

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The GM gave the “hot shot” CO a canny look.

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Then – tongue-in-cheek – the GM said to the “hot shot” CO:

“Well – you decide – the choice is yours – either you “Quote Authority” – or you see if you can get the job done on “bhai-bandi” basis…”

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One hour later – there was an invitation for me from the “hot shot” CO – calling me over to his Ship for a glass of Beer in the Captain’s Cabin…!!!

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MORAL OF THE STORY

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TAIL WAGS THE DOG

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The “man at sea” must always remember – that – it is the “shore based moguls” who call the shots.

Many merchant mariners tell me this is true in the Merchant Navy as well – where shore based Marine Superintendents and Shipping Managers rule the roost over Seagoing Master Mariners who are Captains of Ships at Sea.

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Maybe – it is true of the Army and Air Force as well – where the so-called support “Services” dominate the fighting “Arms”.

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You will observe that “Defence Civilians” overshadow the Uniformed Military Personnel who they are supposed to support.

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Is it not akin to the tail wagging the dog…?

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In theory:

The “Dog” is supposed to Wag its “Tail”.

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But – in practice – sometimes:

The “Tail Wags the Dog”.

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Dear Reader:

Tell me – haven’t you seen this universal phenomenon at many places and in many organisations as well…?

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
E&OE

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Link to my source blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html

This story was written be me Vikram Karve around 10 years ago in 2013 and posted online earlier in my blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/07/humor-in-uniform-quote-authority.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/10/humor-in-uniform-man-at-sea-vs-shore.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/11/05/humor-in-uniform-tail-wags-the-dog/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/01/16/humor-in-uniform-tail-wags-the-dog-hilarious-memoir-from-my-vizag-navy-days/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/05/26/humor-in-uniform-tail-wags-the-dog-shore-based-mogul-versus-man-at-sea/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/05/18/tail-wags-the-dog/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/01/17/humor-in-uniform-tail-wags-the-dog-2/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/06/24/tail-wags-the-dog-shore-based-mogul-vs-the-man-at-sea-story-from-my-navy-days/ etc

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